Insecure

I like sharing personal stories. Somehow, it relieves me of the burden of carrying around hurts or pains. ​
Insecurity has been my biggest headache. And guess what? It has to do with my body. I think I’m apple-shaped, i.e, broad shoulders, skinny arms and legs, narrow hip etc. The society’s standard is a full chest, curvy hips, a nice backside etc. Sometimes, when I go out, I feel like the ugly duckling. All the talks about beauty being in the eyes of the beholder, has no effect on me. I mean, we all know what is fine or beautiful. And because of how we’re programmed, beautiful things attract us. I’m also attracted to good looking guys. Some girls are lucky; they’ve got the face and the body. Others like me, aren’t so lucky. We have to work on our attitudes ’cause our physical features are just a no, no, no. I know beauty is vain. I know it depreciates with age. And I hate the fact that I have been so consumed by insecurity because of the fleeting attribute called beauty. I’ve tried so many times to change my thinking and believe me, I did try. Every wall of confidence crumbles the moment I’m faced with stark reality. I’m not so pretty. On a scale of 1 through to 10, I’d say 4. ​

I remember sometimes last year, I was sitting close to a guy. He said something and I replied him. He then looked at me and said, “every other thing on earth is more beautiful than you.” It hurt me. Tears started welling up but I had to restrain myself because we were in public. I just sat there looking sad. I detest photographs. I’ve been told things like, ” you’re not photogenic” And because of that, I try as much as possible to stay away from cameras. I’ve pushed guys away. Some thought I had an awful attitude. What they never knew was that I was insecure. What if after falling in love with them, they decided to end things with me maybe because I no longer appeal to them? I can’t take the risk. I might just end up heartbroken.​
I’ve prayed to God to if possible, grant me a new body. Sounds ridiculous? I’ve done that times without number. I’ve always thought that maybe if I were more beautiful, life will be easier. 

I’m not writing this to get your sympathy. I’m writing this to feel better. I feel a kind of relief when I tell people what I’m going through. Bottling in thoughts like this is depressing. I don’t want to be depressed. I want to be happy. ​

Here is what I posted on my WhatsApp’s status this evening.

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Author: Niyif💕

A product of God's unrivalled creativity.

One thought on “Insecure”

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