Fearful

My birthday was on the 24th. I had wanted to make a post but then, I got depressed. I’m 18 and I feel like removing the 8 at the back. I want to be 1 again! I know it sounds crazy though. It’s just that the thought of how my life would turn out to be, scares me. This year has been filled with tears and laughter. I laughed because I aced exams, cried because some good people died. Anyone who is familiar with Nigeria’s educational system knows that passing JAMB(a kind of entrance examination one has to write before applying to any university) is a big deal. I wrote it last year but I didn’t do so well. I had chosen medicine but I was later offered another course; aquaculture and fishery. I declined to go for it. So, I retook JAMB this year and I scored 294; 54 marks more than what I scored last year. Just as I mentioned earlier, anyone who is familiar with Nigeria’s educational system knows that scoring high marks is not a guarantee that you’d be offered admission. I had my fingers crossed. I had one more hurdle to face. POST JAMB! I read and prayed the little prayers I knew how to pray, went for the exams and to God be the glory, I passed it. I scored a mark, 12 marks short of hundred percent(do the maths, lol). I was happy but not very happy. I had to wait for the admission list and believe me, that took forever! Eventually, I was admitted to study MEDICINE. I’ll be resuming next year January. 

Honestly, when it was time to choose a career path, I had no idea of what to go for. I was good at almost all the subjects. Maths was my favourite. My parents never pressured me into studying a particular course. When I finally picked medicine, I was still unsure. Something about me is, I don’t like being conventional. But I had no choice. I couldn’t think of any other course to study. And finally, I’ll be starting the programme. I have been battling fear lately. What if I don’t end up a good doctor? What if I caused a patient’s death? What if… What if…
I feel as if I’ve chosen something bigger than me. Sometimes, I feel like telling my parents that I want to quit. Medicine is such a demanding course. The thought of spending six years in school, a year as a house officer, a year as a corper, and years as a resident doctor, scares me. Sometimes, I feel as if I’ve chosen the wrong path. Fear is a really bad thing. I wish God gave us all a map of how our life will turn out to be. Things won’t be this hard. But all the same, He knows best. I’m going into the programme, trusting Him to see me through.​
My relationship with God isn’t a solid one. On my birthday, I made a promise to myself that I’ll get more serious with God and start observing my quiet time. But I haven’t been able to do that yet. I’m trusting in God for strength.

I do have lots of things to write/rant about. Maybe I’ll do that in subsequent posts. I don’t want to bore you, lol.

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Author: Niyif💕

A product of God's unrivalled creativity.

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