He Can’t Sink You

Hi, everyone! It’s been a really long while.😁 Well, my absence was necessitated by school work. I had to really disengage from lots of things so I could focus. But you know what? I AM BACK!😂😂

Well lots of things happened during the course of my absence. To God be the glory, I finished first year few months ago, with a nice CGPA(cumulative grade point average). As I type, the post I did months ago, expressing my fears and anxieties, comes to my mind. I guess I’m safe to conclude that fear is indeed a bastard! 😡 It wasn’t easy overcoming most of my fears. There were times it felt like fear had its talon stuck in my throat, there were also times I was down with severe bouts of depression but through it all, God was there for me.🤗

I’ll be sharing lots of my experiences in school with y’all in my subsequent posts. I had quite an adventure, I must say.😂😂

I’ll be resuming my second year in few weeks’ time. I am honestly trusting in God for strength. Studying medicine in a federal university in Nigeria is quite tasking but then, His Grace Is Sufficient For Me (and you).😄

Okay, back to what I really intended to post.

Few Sundays ago, the pastor preached on ‘Jesus’ dominion, power and miracles’. The text was taken from the book of Matthew 8:22-25. There you have the story of the storm faced by Jesus and his disciples and how Jesus took control of the situation.

Well, as I read that passage of the bible, something struck me. Jesus was on the boat, yet they faced a storm. The presence of Jesus did not stop the storm from raging. His presence calmed the storm instead, his presence prevented the ship He and his disciples were in, from sinking.

I don’t know if you understand what I’m driving at. Being a christian doesn’t mean you’re exempted from life’s challenges. The challenges will come in different forms and shapes, the storm will rage fiercely. But we have the assurance that when these challenges rise, they won’t consume us but rather, we’d overcome them.

The devil can only try, he’ll cause storms of challenges to rise against us, he’ll cause winds of destruction to blow in our path so that our progress might be obstructed. But you know what, you have no cause to be scared. Once you’re on God’s side, you’re safe and secure.

Remember, the devil can only try but he can’t sink you!

I hope my post encourages someone out there.

Photo credit: Internet

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My battle with poor vision

My vision is incredibly poor. I’m shortsighted plus amblyopic and lately, I’ve been noticing symptoms of macular degeneration.

The deficiency in my vision became pronounced when I was in primary three. I think I was eight years old then. I was taller than most of my classmates and as the practice was, the shortest sit in the front while the tallest get to sit at the back. I knew something was wrong with my sight, but I was too shy to tell anyone. Most times, I had to wait for my seat mates to finish writing and then copy from them.

One day, we had maths test. I couldn’t see the board so I just scribbled rubbish inside the test sheet. My maths teacher called me afterwards when he saw the nonsense I did. He was aware I wasn’t a dull child. “Fiyin, why all these?” he asked, pointing at my sheet. Scared to look him in the eye, I bowed my head and said, “I can’t see the board.” 

The next time he came to my class, he changed my seat to the front. Another test was conducted and I scored 14 over 20. Because of my height, some other teachers attempted to take me back to the back, because according to them, I’d be obstructing the view of others. But thank God, I had this seatmate who always spoke on my behalf. My position improved from 30th to 19th. 

I got my first glasses in primary four. By that time, I had opened up to my parents. I never used the glasses because they hurt my eyes. Probably, the power prescribed was higher than what my eyes could accommodate. Besides, I never used the glasses because I felt I’ll be so odd as I’ll be the only one using glasses in the whole school.

I never really liked glasses. So, I never used them so often. Maybe if I had, maybe my vision wouldn’t have turned out this bad. My vision got progressively worse. I had to sit real close to the television before I could see anything. I held my books close to my face.

Last year, I went to the eye clinic to get new glasses. About four doctors sat down, deliberating on my condition.

Right now as I type, my phone is just few inches away from my face. My vision has gone bad. Sometimes, I even harbour fear of going blind. My condition is definitely beyond medical help. The only one who can help me presently is God.

I’ve had people accuse me of ignoring them as I walk past. What most of them don’t know is that I can make out  their faces only when they’re very close to me.

Having a poor eyesight isn’t a funny experience. I remember during a computer practical, for me to see, I had to peer closely at the computer. One of the invigilators came to my seat and said harshly, “Your eyesight is so poor apart from the fact that you’re inefficient at typing.” Those words hurt me as I stared at the screen, desperately trying to fight the tears back. When I got home that day, I locked myself inside my room and cried my eyes out.

There was a time I had biology practical. It required measuring a certain amount of reagent using a pipette. So, I picked up a pipette but I was stopped by my biology teacher. “Don’t bother measuring,” she said. “Your sight is bad, you might just make a mistake.” I was too shocked to utter a word. I just stood back as some other persons performed the practical.

My good eye is my left eye. It has taken over my total vision. My right eye now goes outward(squint) as a result of disuse. The vision in my right eye is terribly poor. Texts appear to be moving, straight lines appear crooked, bright light appear less bright. I’m now more or less a one-eyed girl.

My fears have heightened lately. As a doctor to be, I’ll be having lots of practicals. How will I survive with such a poor vision? 

Saying I’m frustrated is an understatement of the century. I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish my sight could be normal. I wish God will show me mercy and heal me.

I wish…

School Tales

Hello everyone! It’s been a very long time. The last time I posted a writeup was December last year. School has made me quite busy to the extent that 24 hours is no longer enough for me. I wish time was buyable. 

I wouldn’t have made this post if not for what happened today. I had left my hostel for the lecture room, but somehow I got there some minutes late, so I had to sit at the back. As a result of sitting at the back, I could barely hear a word. Before I knew it, I started dozing. In a bid to kee myself awake, I brought out my  phone, switched my data connection on, and logged in to WordPress. I discovered that it’s been a long time since I last posted anything, despite having so many stories in my head(Blame laziness). 

I resumed the second week of January. The whole place looked strange. “I’ll definitely get lost in here,” I told myself. The school’s environment is so large and everywhere is looking identical. It was difficult finding my way around the school for the first two weeks. As time went by, I became familiar with the school environment. Right now, I can find my way around with my eyes closed.(lol)

A lot has happened since I resumed. It took a while before I got accustomed with the system here. Having finished from a high school where we were just 15 of us in a class, I was shocked and felt frustrated to see crowds everywhere. The lecture rooms can adequately accommodate about 500 students, but about a thousand of us are in there. I had to result to waking up early so I can get a place to sit. If I fail to get to class early enough, I’ll have to risk standing throughout the lecture or sitting on the cold, uncomfortable floor. There was a time I got to class around 7am for a class billed to start by 8am. I had to result to sitting on the floor as all the seats were occupied by humans and bags. Yes, bags sit too. Most of the people who get there early enough, keep seats for their friends who are probably still snoring on their beds.

The crowd can be frustrating atimes. I actually feel for those living off campus,i.e outside school. The hustle to get cabs or buses is a serious one because of fuel scarcity. There was a time I happened to be at the school park. You need to see the way students were chasing vehicles. Some had to climb into the buses through the window, some sat in the boot. It now looked like the survival of the fittest.

After GNS class today, I attended a physics class. People were struggling to get inside so they can get a place to sit. The queen I was, couldn’t join in all of the struggle. I waited patiently for them to enter and as a result, I couldn’t get any seat, so I sat on the floor in the front. The lecturer came in and began to teach. Believe me when I say, apart from the topic, I can’t remember any other thing about the class. The lecturer wrote a lot of stuffs on the board but I couldn’t see. My sight is so poor(I’ll make a post on this later). So, I brought out my phone and surfed the net. When the class ended, I snapped some of the notes jotted down by some people. 

As a medical student in the making, the pressure is on me to come out with good grades. If there’s anything that drives me at all, it has to be the thought of not letting my parents down. They’ve made lots of sacrifices for me and it’ll be so devastating if I had to be withdrawn due to bad grades.

I believe God brought me this far, and he won’t just bring me this far only for me to fail. So many times I’ve been overwhelmed by the workload. I’ve had to battle very low self-esteem. My prayer every morning has been, “God, your strength is what I need. This is definitely bigger than me but I trust in your strength to see me through.”

I have lots of stories to share. I do hope my posts will be more frequent.

Thank you for reading. I hope I didn’t bore you? Let me know if I did.

Insecure

I like sharing personal stories. Somehow, it relieves me of the burden of carrying around hurts or pains. ​
Insecurity has been my biggest headache. And guess what? It has to do with my body. I think I’m apple-shaped, i.e, broad shoulders, skinny arms and legs, narrow hip etc. The society’s standard is a full chest, curvy hips, a nice backside etc. Sometimes, when I go out, I feel like the ugly duckling. All the talks about beauty being in the eyes of the beholder, has no effect on me. I mean, we all know what is fine or beautiful. And because of how we’re programmed, beautiful things attract us. I’m also attracted to good looking guys. Some girls are lucky; they’ve got the face and the body. Others like me, aren’t so lucky. We have to work on our attitudes ’cause our physical features are just a no, no, no. I know beauty is vain. I know it depreciates with age. And I hate the fact that I have been so consumed by insecurity because of the fleeting attribute called beauty. I’ve tried so many times to change my thinking and believe me, I did try. Every wall of confidence crumbles the moment I’m faced with stark reality. I’m not so pretty. On a scale of 1 through to 10, I’d say 4. ​

I remember sometimes last year, I was sitting close to a guy. He said something and I replied him. He then looked at me and said, “every other thing on earth is more beautiful than you.” It hurt me. Tears started welling up but I had to restrain myself because we were in public. I just sat there looking sad. I detest photographs. I’ve been told things like, ” you’re not photogenic” And because of that, I try as much as possible to stay away from cameras. I’ve pushed guys away. Some thought I had an awful attitude. What they never knew was that I was insecure. What if after falling in love with them, they decided to end things with me maybe because I no longer appeal to them? I can’t take the risk. I might just end up heartbroken.​
I’ve prayed to God to if possible, grant me a new body. Sounds ridiculous? I’ve done that times without number. I’ve always thought that maybe if I were more beautiful, life will be easier. 

I’m not writing this to get your sympathy. I’m writing this to feel better. I feel a kind of relief when I tell people what I’m going through. Bottling in thoughts like this is depressing. I don’t want to be depressed. I want to be happy. ​

Here is what I posted on my WhatsApp’s status this evening.

Fearful

My birthday was on the 24th. I had wanted to make a post but then, I got depressed. I’m 18 and I feel like removing the 8 at the back. I want to be 1 again! I know it sounds crazy though. It’s just that the thought of how my life would turn out to be, scares me. This year has been filled with tears and laughter. I laughed because I aced exams, cried because some good people died. Anyone who is familiar with Nigeria’s educational system knows that passing JAMB(a kind of entrance examination one has to write before applying to any university) is a big deal. I wrote it last year but I didn’t do so well. I had chosen medicine but I was later offered another course; aquaculture and fishery. I declined to go for it. So, I retook JAMB this year and I scored 294; 54 marks more than what I scored last year. Just as I mentioned earlier, anyone who is familiar with Nigeria’s educational system knows that scoring high marks is not a guarantee that you’d be offered admission. I had my fingers crossed. I had one more hurdle to face. POST JAMB! I read and prayed the little prayers I knew how to pray, went for the exams and to God be the glory, I passed it. I scored a mark, 12 marks short of hundred percent(do the maths, lol). I was happy but not very happy. I had to wait for the admission list and believe me, that took forever! Eventually, I was admitted to study MEDICINE. I’ll be resuming next year January. 

Honestly, when it was time to choose a career path, I had no idea of what to go for. I was good at almost all the subjects. Maths was my favourite. My parents never pressured me into studying a particular course. When I finally picked medicine, I was still unsure. Something about me is, I don’t like being conventional. But I had no choice. I couldn’t think of any other course to study. And finally, I’ll be starting the programme. I have been battling fear lately. What if I don’t end up a good doctor? What if I caused a patient’s death? What if… What if…
I feel as if I’ve chosen something bigger than me. Sometimes, I feel like telling my parents that I want to quit. Medicine is such a demanding course. The thought of spending six years in school, a year as a house officer, a year as a corper, and years as a resident doctor, scares me. Sometimes, I feel as if I’ve chosen the wrong path. Fear is a really bad thing. I wish God gave us all a map of how our life will turn out to be. Things won’t be this hard. But all the same, He knows best. I’m going into the programme, trusting Him to see me through.​
My relationship with God isn’t a solid one. On my birthday, I made a promise to myself that I’ll get more serious with God and start observing my quiet time. But I haven’t been able to do that yet. I’m trusting in God for strength.

I do have lots of things to write/rant about. Maybe I’ll do that in subsequent posts. I don’t want to bore you, lol.

Embarrassing

I had gone out with my younger sister some years ago. We went to visit an aunt of ours. At her house, we played, gisted and ate. After a while, I started feeling wetness in my pants. You guessed right! It was my period. It was so sudden. I became worried about being stained. I had made no preparation. I didn’t tell anyone. I signaled to my sister and told her it was time to go home. All the while, I kept praying my dress won’t get stained. We flagged down a bike and boarded it. All that was on my mind was how to get home. The bike man stopped at the junction of the street leading to my house. I told him to go down the street but he refused. He said I told him to stop at the junction and that’s where he had stopped. I got down from the bike quickly. I was so apprehensive that I forgot to hand him the fare. He called me and I sent my sister to give him the money.

Unknowing to me, my dress was already stained. A woman came from no where and dragged me across the road. Why was she dragging me, I wondered. She took me into a house and handed me a wrapper. It then dawned on me that my dress was stained. Oh God! How many people saw the stain. I was so shocked. I thanked the woman and went home. When we got home, I gave the wrapper to my sister. She then returned it to the woman.

I was so embarrassed that day. That night, while on the bed, I kept wondering about the number of people that saw the stain. I blamed myself for not speaking to my aunt about it. If that woman had not come come to my aid, I’d have walked down the street like that.

That night, I resolved to always be prepared. I made sure there are pads and spare pants in all my handbags. I can’t allow that day to repeat itself, I can’t.

He is important!

I was washing plates some days ago when this thought came to my mind. Jesus said something about how hard it will be for rich people to enter into heaven. I kept wondering why he said that. Was it a crime to be rich?

The answer came to me. It wasn’t a crime to be rich. The reason why Jesus said that was because lots of rich people had trust in their wealth. With their wealth, they feel they’re secure. They feel they don’t need God. Why should they pray? Only poor people pray. 

There is a tendency to push God aside when blinded by wealth or intelligence. You feel you have no need for God. You feel you shouldn’t bother God since you have all the money you need. When sick, you don’t even bother to pray. Why pray? Only poor people pray. You pick up your phone and call the best doctor in town. When in serious problems, God doesn’t pop into your mind. What pops into your mind is the long list of powerful and influential people you know. God is treated as a last resort; someone to consult when all other options have been exhausted. 

It’s not a bad thing to be rich. But it’s wrong and dangerous to put our trust in our WEALTH. That’s why Jesus said it will be so hard for most rich people to get into heaven. They’ve been carried away by their wealth so much that they feel they have no need for God. Most athiests are actually wealthy and well-read. They’ve shoved God out of the picture because of their wealth and intelligence. “God can’t exist. He isn’t real. He’s just a figment of the imagination of overly religious people,” they say.

I don’t know about you but as for me, I’m a stronger believer. I believe God exists. He’s real. And He is IMPORTANT. Since the day I got this revelation of how we put God aside because of wealth or intelligence, I’ve began to pray for grace. To state the fact, we’re all guilty of this. Sometimes, we get bloated by our achievements and intelligence. These things swell us up and move us farther and farther away from God. 

God wants to be actively involved in our life. My pastor will always compare the brain to a peanut. Lol. What do we know with our peanut-sized brain? We think we know. But compared to what God knows, what we know is insignificant. Wealth itself is fleeting. One might be so rich today and end up poor tomorrow. Why trust in wealth? Why not trust in God instead? The friends and connections we have might end up deserting us but God won’t. 

My earnest prayers are: Lord, don’t allow me to treat you as insignificant because of my intelligence. Help not to trust in wealth but in you. Help me not to be bloated by pride as a result of my achievements. Keep me humble. Clip off every wing of pride in me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.